Wasting Time: Code of Conduct

As all dudes know, there is an unwritten code of conduct for using public restrooms. I am, of course, writing about such things as; which urinal to choose, whether or not eye contact should be made with your neighbor, what kind of conversation should be made, what kind of comments should be avoided, etc… There are always certain loopholes or special circumstances that allow or even require particular rules to be temporarily overlooked or amended for a single use. For the purposes of this entry, I am mainly referring to the use of public urinals. The issue of stalls is just as complex and often the two are directly related, but for today I am thinking only of urinals. There are nearly endless varieties of urinals. This is partially what makes the issue so complicated. Rules change for short urinals, separated urinals, and the infamous stadium trough.

I feel that, if possible, it is best to thoroughly think through all possible public restroom scenarios before entering the facility. I find that long drives across N. Dakota or Wyoming provide ample opportunity to think through potential scenarios. Another prime time to ponder potential potty encounters is during work orientation trainings. No matter when or how often someone decides to run through hypothetical situations, often times events occur in the water closet that you had originally thought were impossible. Many encounters require some sort of debrief with a group of dudes. A sort of round table discussion is best, where the situation is presented followed by a group discussion, and finally ending with some sort of decision being made about what action is best to take should the incident happen again. Often times a unanimous decision is reached. Other times there is no clear answer, and the solution must be found by trial and error.

I’m bringing up this issue because just as there is an unwritten code of conduct for the men’s restroom, I feel that there are also guidelines for everyday social interactions. Admittedly, I spend more time trying to prepare for restroom mishaps than for everyday social scenarios, but I still try and prepare for the ladder. This could explain the high number of awkward situations I experience outside the restroom. I’m ok with this. If I have to be prepared for one or the other, I’d probably choose public restroom every time. There is just a higher potential for extreme awkwardness.

I recently took a flight from LA to New Zealand. The length of which was something like 13 hours. I was expecting to entertain myself with the personal in-flight television/movie systems that are provided on the plane. As someone who is still pretty much stuck in 2008, (I haven’t even seen Avatar…pause for your gasp…..) the extensive movie list I had to choose from was more than overwhelming. I started a few movies but couldn’t make it through a single one. Added to the fact that I was the middle seat on my flight, I ended up chatting with my neighbor for much of my time in the air. We introduced ourselves to each other when we first sat down, and then continued to chat throughout the entire flight. The issue that arose is not so much an awkward one as it is just a bit frustrating. I pretty much immediately forgot my neighbor’s name. In a normal situation when you meet someone, you may chat with them for a bit and then part ways. If and when you do see them again it is likely that enough time has passed that you can say something like “Oh I have your name on the tip of my tongue I just can’t seem to remember it.” At which point, the other person would offer their name again, no questions asked, and no real embarrassment experienced by either party. However, rules change a bit on the airplane. If I had been forthcoming and asked again for a name soon after forgetting it would have been fine,but I chose to fake it and didn’t say anything until it was too late. How much time can pass sitting next to someone on an airplane before you can’t ask them for their name again? Less than the amount of time I allowed to pass, is the answer.

At LAX, before I boarded the plane, I found myself in an unthinkable restroom scenario. One out of three urinals was open, but the open urinal was the middle one and the man using the one to the right had a little child holding onto his leg as he did his business. I stood back for a while trying to figure out if there was enough space for me to squeeze into the undivided middle urinal. If there was space, was the child far enough away to avoid any kind of splash or spray back that is inevitable with urinal use? Or would I basically just be peeing in this little guys face? I did a kind of dance taking one step towards the urinal then retreating and repeating the process a few times before I decided I couldn’t step into the urinal. The risk was too high. Instead, I went and brushed my teeth in the bathroom sink to buy some time and let the child toting gentleman complete his water exchange.

On the airplane I found myself in a somewhat similar dilemma. I had asked to scoot out sometime in the middle of the night to use the lavatory. I was just number one’ing, so I wasn’t out of my seat for too long. When I returned to my aisle my neighbor was fast asleep. Not knowing a name, I began to lightly tap shoulders, and then tap cranium, but no response. I tried mumbling a few names hoping to get lucky but no dice. Unlike the LAX restroom, I ultimately decided I had to try and just step over my seat mate without any disturbance, and slide right into the open spot. Anyone who has been in the economy class section of an airplane knows this is absolutely impossible. Of course, the nameless neighbor, and my neighbor on the opposite side woke up and I had to apologize and feel horrible about it. Perhaps, I made the wrong decision on the plane, and I should have spent a bit more time trying to gently wake up the aisle seat before I just made a move into my own seat, perhaps not. Either way the consequences of making the wrong decision on the plane out way the possible outcomes I would have experienced if I had made the incorrect move in the LAX restroom. I would much rather wake up the person seated next to me on an airplane than indirectly splash a little kid in the face with my urine. And thus begins the round table discussion.

In Other News:

-Since the last entry:

- I completed an SCA crew in Pennsylvania. Super hot, super super humid, but experienced a ton and had a lot of fun.

- I was a groomsman in my brother’s wedding. Turns out I didn’t have to give a speech after all. I guess my family was just messing with me the whole time. Yes, as far as I know they are still married. Right Jessies?

-I got to wander around the desert and celebrate a full moon at the Canyonlands Research Institute camp. Also, got to experience a sunset float down the Colorado River.

- I rode around in a sports car that is incapable of being tracked by any type of speed monitoring equipment while listening to YES with the top down.

- I got to experience fire Fridays in Laramie WY

-I witnessed the marriage of a long time friend that I grew up with.

- I spent some quality time in the Bighorns and experienced snow a little earlier than I had wanted to.

-I experienced a 5.3-5.6 and a 4. 3 aftershock while on the 6^th story of my hotel in Christchurch. Turns out my reaction to an earthquake is just to look up and wait. I have since learned, this is not the correct action to take.

-I have once again pushed all my belongings into the corners of the spare room in my parent’s house and I’m back in Antarctica working away. It is pretty bizarre being back. The answer is no, as of right now I have no plans to stay for the winter again.

-I currently can’t stop listening to ‘Neath the Stars by Railroad Earth, and I have eaten way too much cheese today.